Dead Knob in Me~

Everyone sees me as a bubbly and cheerful person. I don’t shows other what in my mind and what mood I’m having for the day. Smiles will be seen on my face most of the time. Not because I’m happy always, but I just won’t wish that my mood will affect other.

 

At time, my mood swings will overcome me. I’m not good at expressing myself; I prefer to be in silent. If there something in my mind bothering me, I don’t need a solution from anyone, what I need is a listening ear; I will do my self recovering.

 

Self recovering period depending on what the problems that bothers me. If that is the dead knob in me, I guess I will need a long recovering time.

 

Some of the dead knob is in me since I know anyone of you out there, a knob that no one can untie for me. The impact is forever. Time heal everything, but no matter how beautiful is the heal, a scar remains.

 

The impact a parent can create for their children; spoil their childhood, made them carry a “shadow” of fear wherever they go. They are so cruel isn’t it? The children are just so pure and innocent, why must they go through all this? They don’t have a choice; they cannot choose who to be their parents.

 

Someone told me before,

 

“Everything is already in the past, why it bothers you so much still? After all, he is still your father isn’t it? If not because of him, you won’t even be in this world.”

 

I shed my tears immediately in the bus. Of course I know that, I know without him, I won’t be even in this world. But he made me lives with fear in this world. I cannot remember any childhood stuff other than fear, tears which I shed and nightmare that haunt me every night when I’m young.

 

I tried not to recalled, I tried to draw out the lines dark and clear, I tried to cut away all ties with him, but still, we are blood related.

 

Sound funny right? It the last Friday meets up yet it still affects me now. I shouldn’t even turn up that day if I know this is going to affect me so much. Even my mum realized that I became quiet after I came back. She kept asking me how the meet up, I kept avoiding the topic. Since she realizes the change in me why she kept asking still?

 

I cannot talk to my mum on this; she lives in the “shadow” of fear still too. Who can I talk to? Who will listen to me? Who is there out there I can share with?

 

Please let me get over it fast, it started to affect the people around me. I want my smile back, a smile that really comes out from me.