♥Lynnie♥: Disappointment

On Thursday night, my dad called me. Surprised ah?!? Yah, so am I, of all people my dad call me.

He told me mum birthday is coming soon, he hope he can join us for dinner, celebrate mum birthday together.

Just a day before, mum told me that dad went over to her work place to look for her, he did propose the diner session together, but mum rejected on the spot. I can't blame mum for this decision, after so many years, from the day they got marry, till she gave birth to us, till the very day now, this is the very 1st time dad say wanna celebrate her birthday.

I bought up this issue to mum again yesterday although she told me her decision before, I told her it just an additional pair of chop stick, just use as a normal dinner with her daughters & a friend. She did not even think again & rejected me straight in the face, so I do not want to bring it up again.

I walk into my room, looked into the mirror, I realised that there are tears in my eyes.

For so many years, till I cannot recalled anymore, I can't recalled when is the very last time, the 4 of us have dinner together. Seriously, Although I used to hate him so much, for close to 20years, I had never address him or call him in the face, "father". I can't bring myself to address him "father" till today, but I really wish to have a dinner together, as a whole family.

I use to envy people around me when they can sit together as a whole family for dinner, that why I enjoyed eating dinner together with dear's family, that is the time I can feel the bonding of a FAMILY.

When I go out & have dinner, I saw people father peel the prawns for them, de-bone the fish for them, I really crave for this fatherly love when I see it. I can't describle my envy toward them.

I agree if I request, I'm very sure my mum can do the same for me. But she is a woman after all, behind her strong front, I believe she also have a tired side of her, taking up both the mother & father role, so I always put up a strong front in front of her, telling her that your daughter has grown up, it time for you to enjoy now.

While waiting for Jimmy under his block, I bought this incident up to dear again, I just can't control, my tears rolled down in the public when I talk.

I'm so looking forward for this dinner, for years, now the chance is here, but so near yet so far. I don't want to force mum in anyway, so I can only swallow down my disappointment.

Later in the night, when all of us in the pub, suddenly someone bring up the issue of family again saying that both parents, 1 need to be the angel, 1 need to be the devil, so this will create the balance in the family.

So who is the angel & who is the devil to me?!? My mum take up the responsibities of both, I know it really hard on her, so I won't want to ask anything much for her in anyway if she don't feel comfortable.

The most recent family photo we took together is taken on sis wedding day, 1 & only 1 photo took that day, I dig out my old photos, other than this, the very last family photo very took together is when I'm still a kid.