Run Away

Warm tears run down my cheek while I'm on the phone with my boyfriend, he did not yell at me, he did not scold me this time, we were just calculating the money we have on hand & how much more we need for 2014.

I don't why I tears, but I'm feeling very scared, worst still, I do not know what I'm worrying about. Been weeks seem we planning for our wedding, nothing run smooth, other than the date, nothing has firmed up yet, not even the venue.

From the initial excitement stage, after all the hic-up, arguments & disagreements I had with my mum & boyfriend, I can't feel any slight excitement at all now, I'm very tired, seriously, breaking down will be a better description to it.

In many situation, I was caught in between, either here or there, I'm really tearing apart. I hate it when you tell me that "go ahead do what you want, as long as you are happy will do", do you know what does that sentence means at all? If I'm given the freedom to make me own decision, why the fuck you so concern & get so unhappy with my choices? Who cares about all those stupid customs & traditions rules?

I suppose to be the happiest woman at this point of time, planning for my own wedding, looking forward for the big day blah blah.. but I can tell you, I should have insist my way, just a solemnization & nothing more, all this fucking shits is making me the most unhappy person on earth right now, I can turn to no one, why would I want to share my shit with anyone else making their day just as bad as mine.

Money, money, money!!! Why the fuck is everything is so expensive, why the fuck is everything coming to my way together at the same time, I seriously cannot cope anymore.Wedding, new house & study, none of these come free, all are huge liability on my shoulder causing me breathless.

I'm seriously not looking forward for anything, nothing at all, even bringing up the subject to me makes me felt uneasy. I don't wish to talk about wedding, I don't want to talk about new house, I want to hear nothing about money. I have the urge to run away, run away from everything, fuck care all the shit just turn away.