I just feel like writing a blog entry, pardon me cos this gonna be a long, wordy and emo post, I need to "speak up" in a way somehow, somewhere. Taking the advantage that there isn't any deadline to meet anytime soon till 3weeks later, I'm somehow too exhausted now to do any revision after a long day at work and study, I think the best thing for me to do now is to bitch out every shit out of me.
Lately, this period of time when I'm super tight up with my schedule, alot of things happened at the same time too. I do not wish to go into details with any unhappy stuffs, all I can say now is I had become a very quiet person. I hardly speak up lately, speak to anyone to be exact, I learnt to keep things to myself, learnt not to be controlled by my emotional. After getting your warm face stick up to others' cold ass, when getting yourself drench with a pail of freezing ice cold water time after time, how can I not learn my lessons? It a hard and painful lesson, but once bitten twice shy, I told myself I will never make the same mistake twice.
In your life, you can never entrust yourself to anyone, not even the closest, cos no one can be trust other than yourself. In an other way, usually is the closest one, they are always the one that will hurt you the deepest, be it is intentionally or out of unawareness.
Some day ago, the peeps was like bombing the group chat, they send out a picture, a picture with some photos in it, those photos was taken on my 21st birthday, the birthday surprise I received from the peeps!! It a day that I will never forget in my life. That picture makes me think and realise alot of thing.
After looking at the photos, I realise something so difference in me as compare to now and then. I spend alot of time looking at it, took me quite a while to figure out the differences, suddenly I realise what I'm missing out in my current life now. It the smile, the smile that you can never find in me now, those smile is really something that come directly out from the heart, no faking at all!! Where is all the happiness in me that makes me smile this way, I don't know. I browse through the recent years photo, none of those have this smile on. To be who I am today, what I have today, unknowingly I had paid the price of losing myself.
In the mid of chasing, in the mid of improving, I had forgotten to slower down my paces, stop and look back at time to see what I had missed out in my life and what I had left behind. When I start to looking back now, I realise that I dropped and left too much thing behind on my journey here, too many to the extend that I don't know how to start, where to start, and dont know if I can still pick up every single thing which I dropped.
Life at this point of time is like a painting without colours, black and white might look just as good but you know that it never complete without colours. I decided to leave what I lost behind and never look for those again, I know exactly that when some thing are lost, they can never be found, I have to carry on my life still without it, life goes on. It can never be like before anymore, but I jus hope nothing can to be worst than now.
Be it for the better, or to the worst, this is the path I chosen, no regret, no turning back, all I can do is moved on!
Be brave, Lynn!! All these shits that you are going through will never pull you down, it will only make you a stronger person!
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