One day before the scheduled delivered date, hubby bought me to eat the food I craved most. Other than durian he still refused to give in (afraid that the sugar content is too high), I request to have "bak chor mee" for dinner. I had a really sinful meal that night including "bak chor mee", "hokkien mee", "fried kway tiao" & my long craved "fried oyster" (but I am only allow to eat the starch & egg potion), been awhile since I indulgence myself with so much hawker stuff, had always been careful of what I eat the past 9months to make sure my girl have the best of everything.
Start my fasting at 0000 hours, it had been a long sleepless night for me, waiting is always the longest process. Finally alarm went off at 4am, get myself prepared & wake my husband up, & we are off to hospital. We reach the registration counter by 6.30am, the process was long, after registration the nurse show me to the ward, asked me to get myself prepared before they wheel me to the operation theater.
Hubby wasn't allow to go the same way as I do, the process of being wheeled to a strange place without anyone by your side was really scary, but they keep ensuring me that my husband is already outside the theater, once I was done with the epidural and he will be in in no time.
Having the epidural jab was really no joke, it so freaking pain, finally I saw my husband walk & sit beside me after the jab, but at the moment of time I'm already in a blank state of mind, no matter what he say to me it seem like I can't digest a word.
Almost to the end of the process, 2 of the nurses come up to me, using their body weight and pressed really hard and push my baby out from the opening womb, even with half body numb I can say it was really uncomfortable & really painful experience, I try so much to hold my tears back, till I hear her first cry.
From far, I hear a fade crying sound, that Marilyn's first cry. At that moment of time, I can hold my tears back no more & I start crying away too. The doctors & nurses start congratulating us on the arrival of our princess, my husband starts to follow the mid-wife to do the cleaning & taking the measurement of our girl. At that point of time I had forgotten that my gynae still doing my stitches, all I do is lay my eyes to wherever they carry my girl to and I wanna have a glare of her. At last, I carry my girl for the first time & we took our very first family photo together.
The theater was cold, so they need to quickly settle my girl & bring her to the nursery room, while I was send to the recovery room before going back to the ward. About an hour after resting in the recovery room, they finally send me back to the ward, so nice to seem familiar faces, having my husband & sister already waiting in the ward for me.
It was a really tired day & I'm overwhelmed with the number of visitors that dropped by, just wasn't in the correct state of mind to entertain so many guests still, but I really appreciate the thoughts & gifts from everyone.
Tried breastfeeding but the supply won't usually kick in that fast, it was a very frustrated process I would say. The baby is starving, your supply is low, tons of comments given by all the old folks together with the ear ringing cry from your baby, that was really a very depressing moment & I feel that I really failed the simplest duty of a mother.
Luckily I had very supportive husband and family members, they help me to overcome all my down time and keep assuring me that I'm doing all fine even if I don't breastfeed, there is always formula milk and my girl will not starved, not breastfeeding doesn't make me any less of a mother compared to the rest.
The main reason for me to stop breastfeeding is not because my supply was low, the supply actually kick in by the fourth day, but due to the wrong latching method and the strong suction of my starving girl, I was bleeding away and covered with bruises. I felt if I continue to breast feed, it pretty unhygienic for my girl, so that is the main reason. Without breast feeding stress also makes taking care of Marilyn easier for me, at least I know how much input my girl have.
The crying of baby can make one really helpless & frustrated. After taking care of Marilyn a few days, I finally manage to more or less understand what does her each cry means and able to understand her feeding timing & habits, most importantly, I finally able to get enough sleep knowing her schedule. I'm sorry that I make each & everyone worry about me, but I'm really doing fine now, I guessed being depressed is part of the post-natal blue, and I had passed the stage now with the help I had for everyone, especially my mum & husband.